no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
