i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
