Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
