I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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