Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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