Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
