Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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