So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
