I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
