umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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