I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
