She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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