Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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