Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
