I just made out with a guy for $7.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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