Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
