i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
