Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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