I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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