i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
