Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
there is puke in my bra ... again
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
