Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
