And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
