Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
