so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
