how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
