Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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