the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
