I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
