I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
