maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
