Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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