Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
