I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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