saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
