he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
