The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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