I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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