The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize