Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
