did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
