why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just invented taco cereal.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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