I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
