Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize