i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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