as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
