I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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