I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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