Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Randomize
