The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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