he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
