Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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