I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
