I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
