Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
