Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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