all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
