Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
