the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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