Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize