I cannot find my penis.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
