3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
